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Single Mothers at Greater Risk for Depression

By Dave Turo-Shields, ACSW, LCSW

In a recent study of 2,921 single and married mothers it

was discovered that single mothers have a 40% higher

incidence of major depression, with a depressive episode

lasting an average of 12 months.

There are two primary areas that catapult single mothers

into depression. These are:

1. Increased number of life stresses

2. Decreased amount of social support

These findings correlate strongly with my experience in

working with depressed, single mothers. What the research

did not address was the Catch-22 that single mothers are in.

If you are a single parent you already know what I am about

to say. If a non-married, childless adult observed all

that a single parent does throughout a day, they would need

two days sleep to recover from watching such an exhausting

day in the life of a single mom.

A single mother often does the work of three people on any

given day. Now, ask that single-mother to take time to

reduce a stressor and increase her social support system

and boy are you in for a fight!

There does not appear to be a way out. It's love, duty,

hard work and little sleep for single moms.

Is there a better way?

Yes! However, before presenting it to a single mother,

you'd better make doubly sure you've done a glorious job of

attempting to understand what her average day is like,

FIRST!

When an individual is heard, and I mean really listened to

from the heart, they have a tendency to open up ("Seek

first to understand..."). Then you may have the opportunity

to offer suggestions.

Now, let's flip the coin. Single mothers are often not

just exhausted, but can also be jaded, indignant, prideful

and stubborn. Life has not turned out the way they dreamed

it would. Perhaps there were marital dreams, dreams of the

perfect home, dreams of providing the best for their

children, dreams of spending more time with their children

and dreams of being the perfect family and more. All lost.

In place of those dreams they may have bitter feelings over

the marital loss, less than optimal living situations, no

"play" time with their children, visitation issues, child

support issues, financial stress and the list could go on

for many more pages, couldn't it?

If you are a stressed-out single mom, please pay special

and close attention to what I wrote above (maybe read it

twice)... then read on.

Here are some ways to make your life easier. They are

listed in no particular order, except if you are moderately-

to-severally depressed. If that's the case then Major

Depression (diagnosed by a professional) demands prompt

attention first and foremost. Please, please take care of

you! A few folks are counting on you to ;-)

1. Immediately seek help medically and professionally for

depression.

2. Live forgiven towards yourself and others.

3. Compromise with that critical "Inner Judge" that only

seems to want to persecute you unfairly.

4. Put down your pride and take ALL the help you can get --

if people offer, accept; if you need help, ask!

5. Implement "quickie" stress relievers such as deep

breathing, going to a getaway in the mind, a quick 10

minute hot shower...

6. Get organized and/or ask for help in doing so. It's

especially important to do so around daily routines such

as morning rituals, after-school rituals, chores,

mealtimes, baths, bedtimes and family fun time.

7. Keep the clutter-bug out of your life. Commit to only

looking at mail once. Recycle household items

continually -- if you're out of space, it's time to

recycle. Get your kids involved.

8. Create a single parent co-op, where you can switch on

and off with transporting kids, doing house or apartment

projects, babysitting for each other...

9. Are you doing for your children what they can do for

themselves? Feed their sense of mastery and

independence. They often will feel great knowing they

have helped their family out in some way.

10. Keep a sense of humor. Many a single mother has told

me, "If I didn't laugh I don't know what I'd do."

11. Get your children involved in camps, church, Sunday

Bible School, Big Brother/Big Sister Programs, mentoring

programs. Let others offer what you don't have the time

or energy to offer.

12. Seek financial advice. Having direction and a plan

sure beats constant worrying!

13. Keep a family calendar. It's nice to allow your kids

to be in activities, but don't overdo it -- one per season

is a good rule.

14. Make a list of stressors. Decide what you have direct

control over and focus there, first -- in ways that you

can. With the other items, learn to let go.

15. Take itty-bitty timeouts just for you! I once knew of

a mom that bought a wild-looking red bath robe. The rule

was when mom came out of her room with that robe on, no

one was allowed to ask for anything unless the house was

on fire.

16. Playing off the co-op idea above, create a single

mothers support group. Single mothers are one of THE

most creative and resourceful groups on the planet! Why

not take full advantage of that! Rotate child care

from meeting to meeting, receive support directly from

others who've been there and pool your resources.

There's no doubt about it, you've been carved out for a

very special job here on earth. Your job description is

longer than Santa's gift list.

The ideas above do work and are working in single mothers'

lives right now. Pick just one area and begin there. When

it's ALL overwhelming, simply start where you're at. If

you need help, just let me know.

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Dave Turo-Shields, ACSW, LCSW is an author, university

faculty member, success coach and veteran psychotherapist

whose passion is guiding others to their own success in

life. For weekly doses of the webs HOTTEST success tips, sign

up for Dave's powerful "Feeling Great!" ezine at

http://www.Overcoming-Depression.com
E-mail: mailto:editor@overcoming-depression.com

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