Spiritual Development Article

"The Practice of Tonglen: How a Mother uses this Buddhist Practice to Create Peace in Her Daily Life"

by Amy Phillips-Gary

It was a Wednesday morning. I had prepared breakfast for my
two young sons, cleared up dishes and was just shifting into
"my time," my daily yoga routine. Rather than go off to
play by themselves, however, this day my youngest son,
Micah, chose to stay in the room with me. 

He really wanted my attention and showed me this by
talking, singing loudly, and hanging on my body as I tried to do yoga poses. As much as I tried to help him find another activity 
to do, he resisted. Granted, a four year old on my stomach 
added an extra stretch, but this was not the relaxing 
meditative space I very much needed for myself at that
moment.

Needless to say, I was frustrated and annoyed with Micah and
resorted to putting one of his favorite videos into the VCR.

Now my usual pattern in such a situation is to return to my
yoga practice and push through the tension and annoyance-in
other words, pretend the frustrating encounter didn't
happen. 

But this day, I broke out of that pattern. For the
past year or so, I've read several books by Buddhist
teachers and have begun to practice a Buddhist technique
called tonglen. Recalling Pema Chodron's teachings of
tonglen, first I stopped doing yoga, laid on the floor and
breathed. 

By focusing on my breath, I attempted to open my
mind to nothingness-- clear it as much as I could. This can
be especially difficult when we are feeling intense, as I
was at that moment, but focusing on my breath really helped.


Next, I began to get in touch with my annoyed, angry, and
frustrated feelings as I inhaled. An important aspect of
this part of the practice is that, in Chodron's words, you
"drop the story line" and focus on the underlying feelings. 

Without "dropping the story line," we can choose to go off
on all kinds of tangents without really getting into the
feelings. Again, I inhaled and as calmly as possible said
to myself, "I see that I am feeling angry and annoyed,"
observing what was going on for me then. 

But this part of the practice is not just about getting rid 
of uncomfortable feelings. The goal is to "touch" our
feelings-to befriend those emotions

Cultivating love and compassion for myself was the next step
I followed that day. After really feeling warm and expansive
with love and compassion within myself, it was then time to
extend those feelings to Micah. 

"Tonglen" is a Tibetan word meaning "sending and taking."
In the first parts of this practice, I took in the pain I was 
feeling and added breath or ventilation to that pain. But 
sending out my compassion to not only myself but to Micah-
whom before had been a target of my annoyance-flowed smoothly at this point. 

I extended those feelings of compassion and love to Micah
and acknowledged that just as I was working with discomforts
of a headache that morning, he was not feeling well either and
it came to me that he has only had 4 years to work on how to
handle his feelings while I have had 34! 

I really felt my anger towards him dissolve. It wasn't
denied. I was able to peacefully process and let go of those
feelings. 

But tonglen doesn't stop with yourself or the person you
are irritated with so I continued extending compassion and
love. I added more and more people in my family, friends, people I don't know, and finally the entire Earth and all those that dwell upon it. I saw all of us glowing with love and compassion. 

It felt really good to do this. My aspiration is that I can
continue to find the clarity to breathe through those very
moments where I am about to raise my voice or get really
angry towards my children or towards anyone. 

I continue to practice tonglen. More and more frequently,
when I feel triggered by someone or a situation, as soon as
I can identify that I am out of sorts, I begin to breathe
and clear my mind in preparation to touch and ease with
those uncomfortable feelings, before moving into cultivating
love and compassion. 

This is never easy, but I have found it profoundly
important in my life as a parent, partner, and human living on this planet. 

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Amy Phillips-Gary is a person aspiring to live a loving-compassionate and mindful life. Partnering with her husband, home-schooling her two sons, and helping to lead an alternative scouting group provide her with opportunities to enjoy such a life!  She is Susie Collins' daughter.

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