Spiritual Development Articles

Forgiveness Tips: How to Open Up, Forgive and Move Ahead in Life
By Amy Phillips-Gary

From a very young age I heard a lot about forgiveness. Being brought up a Methodist, I listened to many Christian teachings in church about how vital it is to forgive.

After all, the minister taught, God forgives each one of us for our sins-- spanning all the way back to the so-called "original sin" committed by Adam and Eve. Each Sunday morning we spoke aloud the request that we be forgiven for our "trespasses."

The beliefs that I formed around the concept of forgiveness were very rooted in the notion that one person (or group) is to blame for whatever "bad" thing has happened and that the forgiver is undertaking a very selfless act.

We were all supposed to follow God's example and forgive.

According to my past beliefs, to forgive is quite a lofty action.  It is a gesture of grace extended to the person who was "wrong" or hurtful.

Unfortunately, beliefs like this about forgiveness did not encourage me to actually do it.

Setting aside critiques of the Methodist Christianity that I learned growing up, I want to take a closer look at common mis-understandings of what forgiveness is in order to open up to its potential power.

What I retained from my years as a Methodist are not necessarily the way all Christians believe. And let's face it, there have been (and are) limiting beliefs in just about every religion. At the same time, there have been (and are) expansive and empowering beliefs in just about every religion.

The point here is to take a closer look at how my previous beliefs about forgiveness-- which might be similar to yours-- kept me stuck in the pain of the past.

From that place of awareness, we all can then open up to releasing and clearing the past and moving ahead toward the lives we want for ourselves and our world.

Shame on you...
There are certainly elements of wrongfulness and shame linked to forgiveness. A clear "bad" person and "good" person are involved in whatever happened-- a perpetrator and a victim.

Yes, these are simplistic and dichotomous ways of looking at "bad" acts as well as forgiveness, but for me they have been part of the definition-- and part of the obstacle.

There can be something secretly gratifying about pointing a finger of blame at another person who cowers in his or her "wickedness" in a corner somewhere.

Especially if you are hurting and the actions or words of this other person were directly linked to your pain, blaming and then granting forgiveness can appear very powerful.

The only problem is, the facade of power can become alluring. The emphasis tends to remain honed in on the "bad" actions and the upset or damage that seemed to result instead of on truly letting go.

This is perhaps the most limiting aspect of the traditional way of understanding forgiveness. We get all caught up in the past-- literally.

Attached to the pain...
Another block to forgiveness is linked to letting go. If you are hurting, the last thing you might want to do is absolve the person who seems responsible.

To forgive might be a Godly act, but it can appear as an eraser or a way for someone to "get away" with whatever the harmful behavior was.

Anyone who has ever experienced hurt or betrayal knows how important it can feel for your difficult experience to be validated and acknowledged.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to stand up and declare "I was hurt" or "This is not okay with me."

The trouble lies in the intense attachment to the painful event that can set in. This not only stands in the way of forgiveness, it cements the hurting person in the past.

It's all about you moving forward...
If you are feeling like you "should" forgive someone but, for whatever reason, you are unable to at this time, ask yourself this question:

"What is my priority?"

Is it most important to you to keep reliving the pain and whatever it is that occurred in the past? Or, are you interested in living fully in this present moment and creating a future for yourself that is freer and happier?

It can be as simple as this.

If there are words you need to say or actions you'd like to take to make a completion that will support you letting go of the past and forgiving, then do that.

Keep at the forefront of your consciousness your priority to move ahead and feel improvement.

When it comes down to it, forgiveness has very little to do with any other person but you yourself. Forgiveness is truly a gift you give to you. It is a deeply empowering and self-centered (in a wonderful way) act.

You can practice forgiveness on a moment-by-moment basis. Tune in to what you need right now. Acknowledge what's true for you, make completions and allow love to flow.

Above all, love yourself enough to forgive and release.

At some point, you might find that you can start to see the formerly "bad" person as another precious human being. Question your perceptions and any tendencies you might have to judge yourself and others in dichotomous ways.

You might find it helpful to create some affirmations. For example: "I release the past and open up to my desired future as I easily forgive myself and others."

Find words that positively resonate for you and move you closer to what you want. Write them down and speak them aloud as much as you need to.

Remember that when you forgive, you assert that your priority is to stop living in pain and to start aligning with the future you want.
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Amy Phillips-Gary is a freelance writer, homeschool mom and a personal growth adventurer.


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