Self Improvement Articles
 

How to Thrive and Live the Life You Want Even With a Traumatic Past
By Amy Phillips-Gary

Here in the U.S., we recently commemorated the anniversary of the terrorist attacks in New York City on 9/11/01.

This event was certainly traumatic-- for those who lost loved ones in the multiple attacks and the rescue efforts, as well as for many Americans who watched the horrors on our televisions.

An unbelievable and horrendous event like 9/11 can become cemented in your memory, even for those of us who were relatively distant from it.

The emotional and even physical sensations tend to stick with you and re-surface when triggered on anniversaries or when similar conditions arise.

When trauma happens, it almost always leaves a mark. This can be a deep and multi-layered wound that never seems to fully heal.

We cover it over and maybe even forget about for awhile; but it's still there and can easily fester and cause pain. Past trauma can affect our relationships, our ability to succeed in the workplace, and even our health.

The challenge for those who are survivors of trauma is to recognize where they are and what has happened, but not to get so caught up in the past that it defines their present and future.

I am a childhood sexual abuse survivor and a date rape survivor. For years, these labels were at the forefront of my conscious mind. I needed them to be.

For a long time it was very important to me that people know how
insidious both childhood sexual abuse and date rape are.

I wanted to prove to everyone that you can survive these atrocities and be a "normal" person who can be in a loving relationship and can parent children with care, safety and healthy nurturing.

I worked with different therapists over the years. I journaled and
did the exercises in The Courage to Heal Workbook. I found support, camaraderie and felt empowered at "Take Back the Night" marches. And I talked and cried a lot with my partner, close friends and family.

It has been a long, winding path of healing for me-- and I know it's
not done. I have no doubt that there are more layers to acknowledge and that there is further processing and releasing ahead.

What do you call yourself?
I have been thinking lately about my previous need to label myself as a survivor. It used to be a point of contention for me to assert to others that I am NOT a victim of anything; I am a survivor.

At the time, for me, there was a sense of taking back my power with such an assertion.

I defy those who violated my boundaries and body as I claim that I survived. I completely understand why this was such a crucial distinction for me to make.

At the same time, I can see why some people feel an amount of soothing when they call themselves "victim."

Yes, there are just words.

They do not alter the fact that particular acts were carried out in particular ways. But depending on the meanings we attach to them, these specific words can make all the difference in our ability to move ahead and release what happened.

If there has been a traumatic event in your past, think about the
labels you apply to yourself and the meanings you associate with these labels.

There can be value, at a particular time in your healing, in just about any label-- as long as it is one that does not cause you further pain.

Be flexible and stay open to healing, growth and change. When you cling too tightly to a label or identification, you can become stuck in the past.

What do you want for your future?
I no longer find it so crucial to call myself a survivor. Instead, I prefer to see myself as a thriver.

To me, thriving is the next step. I am no longer satisfied by merely
surviving the trauma of my past. I am intending to thrive despite and because of what happened in my experience.

As I expand my view, I can see that there is a lot that has happened in my life-- including and not limited to the sexual abuse and date rape.

This can get a bit tricky.

I do not want to, and probably could not, erase the past and return to pretending that these traumas did not occur. But I am less focused in on them these days.

I am at a place where I can acknowledge the richness and vastness of my entire life up to this point.

I can also create a vision for the future I want for myself. In part, this is because that's the direction I have pointed myself.

Yes, sometimes when I feel fear, sadness or grief. And there
are plenty of times when these emotions have links to my past.

At these times, I allow the emotions to surface and I am especially gentle and loving with myself.

As a thriver, I don't spend more time than I need to there. My goal is to flourish and keep moving forward; so I feel what I am feeling and then I look around me and appreciate where I am as I shift my attention to where I want to go.

Changing the language you use about your past, present and future may seem to be pointless to you.

It is certainly true that if you only alter the words with which you describe yourself, you will probably not benefit from the improvements you seek.

I believe that words-- when backed up by a shift in belief,
expectation and action-- are powerful. Take an honest look at your life and the labels you use to describe yourself.

Ask yourself in which direction they are pointing you.

Are you ready to thrive?









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Amy Phillips-Gary is a free-lance writer, homeschool mom and personal growth adventurer.

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