Self Improvement Article


 

Butt Out, Tune In and Connect
By Amy Phillips-Gary

Have you ever found yourself offering advice without being asked?

Maybe you just can't seem to stop yourself from telling another person what you think should be done in a particular situation-- even if you aren't in that situation
yourself...

Many of us stick our proverbial noses into the business of others and we are almost always well-meaning.

I know, for example, that a dear relative of mine cares about me and only speaks what seems to be true to him about my life. He shares with me his perspective of how I can best be a successful adult, parent and wife.

It doesn't seem to matter that I did not ask for this advice.

I myself have tried to hold back and not speak up at those times when I see my partner make a particular parenting decision that is different than what I'd have done.

More often than I'd like in situations like these, unbidden words of my "wisdom" pour forth.

And the effect comes off as me discounting my mate's ability to parent. The original situation did not directly involve me; it was not my business and my advice was not requested.

We've all probably been on the receiving end of advice or labeling we didn't ask for and we don't want.

We've all probably also been on the giving end as we enter into someone else's life and affairs in an unwelcome way.

Of course, there is almost always love and care behind our words and actions; but ultimately, we just need to butt out!

What's your business?
When you stay awake and aware in your interactions with others, you can catch yourself before you launch into unwanted advice or other acts of getting into someone else's business.

My dear relative undoubtedly my son to turn out to be successful in life. The fact that we homeschool-- even at the high school level-- might seem foreign and scary. It is not the path to prosperity in this family member's world view.

And from that perspective, my relative most likely feels and acts upon a strong impulse to speak out and get us steered in a direction that seems right-er to him.

This is the way it usually goes.

You look at a loved one who is choosing to live in a way that doesn't resonate with you. In fact, it might feel frightening or dangerous. There is a chance it might be.

Notice when you get triggered by a situation that you are near to but not directly involved in.

Ask yourself if this person is truly in danger or if the intensity of your emotions is linked to something inside of you instead.

This is an important difference.

There might be occasions when you choose to get involved in someone else's business because you believe that this is truly a matter of harm. For instance, if you see a child being abused, getting involved might save that child's life.

Most of the time, we butt in to situations that seem scary or risky to us, but they are really just examples of others living their lives in ways that are different from what
we've chosen for ourselves.

Sometimes we are enticed to become involved in another person's business because we are avoiding something going on in our own lives.

It might seem far easier to dwell on the challenges-- and try to solve them-- in someone else's life than our own.

In fact, it can provide a false sort of power rush to leap in and "solve" another's problems when your own challenges mostly make you feel helpless.

As you stay aware and catch yourself before offering that unwanted advice, it's possible you'll also become more tuned in to your feelings about your own life.

As you tune in, you might notice that you are triggered by a situation in another's life because there is some mirroring in your own.

The solution or change you want to push on this other person might be similar to or the same as one you are calling on yourself to consider.

When you butt out of another's business, you can be freer to more deeply engage with your own life.

Does butting out mean you don't care?
It might feel uncomfortable to make the decision to stay silent as you butt out of another's business. Again, this may be something that is a core belief for you and it seems clearly accurate and true.

Try to make a distinction between caring and loving another person and sharing the same set of values, ethics and perspectives with that person.

To butt out and choose not to give that unrequested advice doesn't mean that you indicate the other person's way is the "right" one and yours is no longer valid.

There is room for many ways of living and looking at the world. This is just something we all forget from time to time.

To butt out also does not mean you don't care what is happening in another's life.

In fact, to listen in an engaged way to what the other person is saying and truly consider his or her different point of view is a wonderful way to show your concern and love.

How can you connect and support?
The more you dive down into your own business and explore those triggers you experience along the way, the more available to connection with others you can be.

In some ways this seems contradictory, but it's not!

You create space and possibility for yourself and for your relationships with others as you deal with your own business-- and continue to make that your primary focus.

From that place of ever-expanding space, you are freer to offer support to others in ways that will truly feel supportive to them.

You can connect as you acknowledge your way of living as your choice and not the only choice. In fact, you might find yourself learning from those who make very different choices.

You may find yourself inspired to try new things or, from this point of contrast, know more clearly what you do want for your own life.

When you encounter a person who seems troubled, you can listen and ask how you can be supportive to him or her.  You can then decide if his or her request is something you are willing to do or say.

From this exchange, a deep and meaningful connection happens.

Two people come together and acknowledge the inherent worth in one another's similarities and differences. Two people listen to one another-- asking, giving and receiving what they each need at the moment.

This is stuff the of growth and expansion.

This is the place of connection and love where the world sits up, takes notice and is enriched.
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Amy Phillips-Gary is a freelance writer, homeschool mom and personal growth adventurer.





 

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