Self Improvement Article


 

How to Handle Your Anger: Stuff it or Spew it?
By Amy Phillips-Gary

We all get angry from time to time.

It's what you do with your anger that varies-- and that can cause all kinds of trouble!

You might tend to stuff down your anger. Perhaps, to you, anger is inappropriate. You might believe it would rage out of control if you allowed it, so you simply push it down and hope it will go away.

Sometimes it does. At least for a little while.

If you tend to stuff down your anger, you probably experience meltdowns from time to time.

You may feel like that proverbial lidded pot that finally boils over, no longer able to contain all of that pressurized steam.

And if you do manage to control your anger and keep the "lid" on your emotions, you may encounter indicators like rashes, ulcers, grinding teeth, and other unpleasant and detrimental health conditions in your body.

These indicators are uncomfortable signifiers of what's going on within you that you don't want to admit to or deal with.

Other people don't stuff down anger. Instead, they tend to spew it.

We've all encountered people who seem to fly off the handle about any "little" thing. Perhaps your boss, parent, partner, even you yourself are like this.

It's as if the Incredible Hulk has raged into your life-- or inhabited your own body!

The angry tirade might be one of those meltdowns after emotions have been stuffed down. Or it might simply be a full tilt outrage that reflects that person's usual way of handling how he or she is feeling.

While people who usually allow their anger to spew forth might get a certain release from their outbursts, there are also downsides to this behavior.

As you probably already know, relationships can be damaged and even severed by angry outrage. The angry person can also experience health conditions such as heart and blood pressure problems as a result and indicator.

So which is it?

Is it better to stuff down anger or let it spew forth?

Of course, there are other options...

Anger Lessons
Many of us grew up learning about emotions by watching the adults around us. This includes modeling about anger and how to handle that particularly tricky feeling.

I remember being a child watching my father kick in a car door because he was so steamed about something that had gone wrong in his life.

These bursts of outrage didn't happen all of the time at my house, thankfully.  But there were enough of them that the image is bright and vivid in my mind.

For the most part, I was brought up with the unspoken rule that anger is not allowed. We were a family of stuffers.

As with my father, my mother and I both had occasional meltdowns. These were rare. We generally bit our tongues and swallowed our feelings-- especially if they were angry ones.

These years of practicing stuffing down my anger left me at a loss for what to do when it does crop up within me!

My new intention has been to open up to all of my feelings and practice different ways of allowing them to move through me and then release.

It is a process and, for me, those old stuffing habits can seem difficult to change at times.

But as my children watch me and are guided by me, I know it is important work. I see the mirrors of my own behavior in theirs every single day.

You might have had a vastly different experience than I did.

Nonetheless, it can be hugely informative to take a look at the anger lessons you were taught over the years. If you have children, what are you teaching and modeling for them?

Re-thinking Anger
Perhaps it's time to re-think anger. No, it's not usually pleasant. But it does crop up for just about every single one of us.

As many other sources have asserted, anger is just energy. We can label it "positive" or "negative." When it comes down to it, however, it is simply energy.

What you do with the anger is what can have the detrimental or, yes even affirming consequences.

Buddhist teachers counsel us to embrace and "make friends with" all of our habits, aspects of self and emotions.  This absolutely includes anger.

Here are a few specific techniques to try for befriending your anger...

*Stay tuned in to your emotions. When you are in regular touch with how you are feeling, you will notice irritations and annoyances before they turn into full-blown anger. 

This way you can deal with whatever is going on for you when it is probably more manageable.

*Be fluid and flexible. Most of us become rigid- emotionally and physically-- when we are angry. Don't allow yourself to get stuck in that angry place.

If you can soften around whatever seems to be the source of anger for you, your emotions will probably ease somewhat.  Sometimes mentally reminding yourself to soften can be a step toward more fluidity.

*Breathing is a powerful tool for releasing any difficult emotions. Above all, remember to breathe! You can support your efforts to soften as you take a big, deep belly breath.

You might find it helpful to forcefully expel your breath-- as if you were assertively blowing out a candle. Repeat this as you need to. Then gradually slow and calm
your breathing.

*Interrupt your usually anger pattern. As with any habitual behavior, interrupting your usual reaction gives you space and clarity to make a choice about how you want to respond.

Physically moving-- whether it's dancing, jumping, going for a walk, etc.-- can be a useful interruption.

This interruption is not meant as a way to avoid how you are feeling. Instead, it can help you move with those feelings and eventually let them go.

*Focus in on your feelings, not the story. If you can stop fixating on whatever it is that happened or whomever it is who appears to have made you upset, you can usually find quicker release around your anger.

You can have a conversation with this person or address the situation after you have moved through your anger.

Affirm to yourself how you are feeling and allow those emotions to run through you. Allow them to crest and then release.

Now you can have that talk or handle the circumstances from a calmer and usually clearer place.

Anger may be one of the most difficult emotions out there.

It can seem overwhelming and out of control-- even when we try to stuff it down. Anger seems to make you say or do things you wouldn't otherwise allow yourself to say or do.

Anger is not bad and it's not necessarily good either. It just is.

As you learn to stay fluid and tuned in to you, the release of difficult emotions like anger can be a point of breakthrough and expansion.

It is another step in loving yourself more completely and moving toward being the person you want to be.
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Amy Phillips-Gary is a freelance writer, homeschool mom and personal growth adventurer.




 

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Susie and Otto Collins are Relationship Coaches and authors of 4 books on relationships and personal growth. To get their FREE weekly newsletter filled with practical tips and ideas for creating more connected, passionate and alive relationships send a blank message to mailto:collins@aweber.com 
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