Positive Planet Articles

 

Forgiveness And Positive Living
By Ton Pascal


"Forgiveness is the key that can unshackle us from a past
that will not rest in the grave of things over and done
with. As long as our minds are captive to the memory of
having been wronged, they are not free to wish for
reconciliation with the one who wronged us." Lewis B.
Smedes.

For over 20 years I carried a grudge, an anger closer to
hatred of my own mother. I felt totally justified and was
utterly convinced I had the right to express openly this
anger against what I believed was my mother's absence and
lack of caring, love or any motherly feelings toward me
since the death of my father. In fact I drew my strength
from these things to carry on with my life.

Only a few close friends knew about it and even when I
started doing my relaxation studies I never thought this
issue had anything to do with my search for mental harmony
and the frustration of not being able to reach it
completely.

My incessant moving around this planet from one country to
another brought me personal and material satisfaction but
left me with an empty feeling. Like a potted tree that
hasn't yet found mother earth's ground in which to thrive.

When I decided to come back to Canada five years ago,
little did I know that it would be the beginning of a
journey which would take me back in time and reunite me
with my mother.

My sister had arranged for us to meet and although I
wasn't too keen to do so, I accepted. I was tense, arrogant
and disagreeable when we met. As my mother tried to kiss me
I pulled back and simply offered my hand for a handshake.

Her first words stayed engraved in my mind and heart for
the days to come when she said, "All that I want is to ask
if you could forgive me for not being the mother I wish I
could have been, my son, I am so sorry..."

We met again a few days later and we talked openly about
our pains, hurts, sorrows and expectations. It was the
first time I saw my mother as a woman and as a human being;
not from a child's point of view. My father's untimely
passing away at thirty two left a beautiful young widow of
twenty six years old with four children, the youngest 25
days old to take care of, several cattle ranches and a
retail business in a male- oriented society. Having only an
aging father and a younger sister in Brazil, she was alone
and against all odds, she succeeded in raising her family.

Compassion and understanding gave me the strength not only
to forgive her, but to forgive myself for the senseless
pain I inflicted myself and the guilt it carries with it.

We became very close again, and slowly the whole family
seemed to come closer and closer. I soon found out that
forgiveness is a positive energy that spreads much quicker
than I thought. I have nephews, nieces, and cousins that
are now an integral positive part of my life. A new route
was opening on my path and the writing of Dream Your Life
Positively came a year after.

A well documented site on this subject is "A Campaign for
Forgiveness Research"* where I found some important
examples cited here.

Each time we witness an act of forgiveness, we marvel at
its power to heal, to break a seemingly unending cycle of
pain. Forgiveness is something virtually all Americans
aspire to. In a Gallup poll nationwide survey, 94% said it
was important to forgive, but it is not something we
frequently offer. (In the same survey, only 48% said they
usually tried to forgive others.) Perhaps this is because
forgiveness is something we don't fully understand, or we
associate forgiveness with weakness as Friedrich Nietzsche
did.

Some view forgiveness as an almost saintly quality that
blesses only the very special and most certainly cannot be
learned. In fact, the opposite is true, forgiveness is a
sign of strength.

Research conducted at the University of Wisconsin in
1997indicates forgiveness can be taught, with positive
results.

I told a friend of mine that if she wanted to find a
healthier source of strength after her separation from an
abusive husband, she must forgive him before she could find
her own way to happiness.

"After what I have been through with that bastard? When
hell freezes over..." was her answer.

I suggested she try the three affirmations below for a few
weeks and see if she still felt the same way.

- I am good, compassionate and I now have the strength to
forgive.
After two weeks of affirmations she told me that
the most difficult thing was to think of him and all the
bad incidents. The pain, despair and guilt would come back
but she now understood that she wanted to be able to
forgive and in her prayers she asked God to help her to
forgive.

- I deserve to be happy and successful.

- I am now ready to receive more love, support and wealth
from the vast supply of the universe.

I knew then she had found her path.

Forgiving is not condoning; hurtful actions have
consequences. Yet couples who communicate forgiveness may
hold the key to stable marriages. What makes some marriages
last a lifetime, while others falter and fall apart?

According to Professor Douglas Kelley of Arizona State
University West, the key to long-term conjugal bliss may be
in how well a couple communicates forgiveness. "These days
the notion of equality, an eye for an eye, is prominent,"
says Kelley. "That makes forgiveness counter-intuitive -
but at the same time, a lot of people who don't call
themselves religious or spiritual are forgiving one
another. Is it because they sense that they will reap the
benefits of forgiving for years to come, or is there some
other motive?"

In the end, Kelley hopes that embracing and communicating
forgiveness can provide a sense of well-being and stability
for couples living in an increasingly stressed society.

Forgiving doesn't change what has passed, neither does it
justify or make it all right. It allows you to focus on
your life from a pain free emotional state. The past no
longer makes you cringe, cry or swear. Forgiveness simply
helps you to let go of that negative baggage and makes a
place for all the positive things you wish to have.

I know a lot of people who after a lover's break up or a
friend's betrayal have vowed "I will never let anyone hurt
me like that again." It is quite justifiable, it is your
survival instinct, a protective shield taking over, but be
careful that this shield will also prevent you from
connecting with new people and eventually making new
friends. This is negative living, and most people are not
even aware of it. Forgiveness is letting go of that
negative emotional baggage and starting on a new path
stronger than before. It is very difficult, I know, to
accept the fact that someone you loved and trusted, who has
betrayed and stabbed you in the back, deserves your
forgiveness.

When I lost a best friend of 25 years to what I thought
was petty gossip, I was devastated and questioned the
sincerity of her friendship all those years.

After forgiving her I can now look back and laugh at the
good moments we had together. Sincerity is no longer a
question, my love for her is the same, but I no longer need
to see, speak or interact with her. Our roads just took
different directions, that's all.

Make an assessment of the people in your life, and the
ones who are gone. What are your feelings about them? Is
there someone you feel "I dislike (or hate) that SOB"
either for personal reasons or because of malicious gossip?
Or is there someone you distanced from and in your book is
unforgivable? You are carrying some heavy negative
emotional baggage. Get rid of it AS SOON AS POSSIBLE if you
want the good energy of positive living to reach you.

An important, well documented and proven factor is that
your anger, hurt and pain not only will affect the way you
communicate with others, but eventually will exclude you
from social contact. Your self worth is constantly being
questioned and if you don't take action it will eventually
break down.

"Forgiveness allows one to overcome a situation that would
otherwise be a major source of stress, both mentally and
neurobiological. Forgiveness is thought to dramatically
change the individual's biological homeostatic equilibrium.
He will assess the neurobiological response associated with
forgiveness and unforgiving-ness." Study of the Brain
Functional Correlates of Forgiveness in Humans -Pietro
Pietrini, M.D., Ph.D., Pisa - Italy.

Forgiveness benefits both, but you the most, because you
left the negative baggage behind. You are now ready to
receive the positive force, energy, love, wealth and
success the universe has in store for you.

The other person doesn't even need to know, it is
irrelevant. Neither do you have to bring that person into
your life or closer circle any more. What matters is your
thoughts and therefore your actions. If it is clean, clear
and positive, so will your life, your friends and your
future be.

"Forgiveness is both a decision and a real change in
emotional experience. That change in emotion is related to
better mental and physical health."

Everett L. Worthington, Jr., Ph.D. Executive Director, A
Campaign For Forgiveness Research.

From a decade-old grudge against the third-grade bully to
deep-seated rage against a cheating spouse, millions of
Americans harbor long-term grievances. Dr. Carl Thoresen, a
professor at Stanford University, and his colleague, Dr.
Fred Luskin, are exploring whether the unresolved anger
that blights many people's lives can be alleviated with the
help of an age-old concept: forgiveness.

Together, the pair launched a comprehensive research
project: The Stanford Forgiveness Study. Thoresen and
Luskin hope the impact of their work will be preventative
as well as therapeutic. "It's our hope that family and
school violence, including shootings, road rage, gang
violence and workplace conflict will be diminished - if not
avoided - if more people understand the role that
forgiveness can play in interpersonal relations," says
Thoresen, "It takes courage and commitment to act in a more
forgiving fashion. It's not at all a sign of weakness but a
mark of strength."

Dr. Carl Thoresen is a professor of Education, Psychology
and Psychiatry at Stanford University. Dr. Fred Luskin is a
research associate at the Stanford Center for Research in
Disease Prevention.

Have a great journey
Ton Pascal
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Ton Pascal is a self thought , self help advocate and
author. His Dream Your Life Positively is a beautiful guide
to visualization and meditation. He believes that the times
we are facing in our world require a more spiritual
approach to our everyday lives.
http://www.dreamyourlifepositively.com/
 

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Susie and Otto Collins are Relationship Coaches and authors of 4 books on relationships and personal growth. To get their FREE weekly newsletter filled with practical tips and ideas for creating more connected, passionate and alive relationships send a blank message to mailto:collins@aweber.com 
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