You Don't Have To Keep Repeating Your Past...Unless You Want To
By Amy Phillips-Gary

It seems to Sandi that she dates the same lousy guys-- again and again and again. No sooner than she gets out of one bad relationship, she find herself falling for yet another man who also ends up cheating on her.

“One day, I'll learn,” Sandi ruefully thinks to herself.

But every single guy and every new relationship seem to be the same. Although she's always looking out for the signs, the past keeps repeating and Sandi feels worse and worse about herself.

You might not have the same patterns when it comes to your love relationships. Instead, for you it might be overeating, yelling at your kids, sabotaging your successes, not speaking up when you feel called to, or something else.

Just about every one of us repeats the past in some way or form.

It only makes sense that we would each gravitate toward the behaviors and coping mechanisms that we are used to.

You might be more comfortable turning to a bag of potato chips when you feel stressed out and overwhelmed. Another person may crack open a cold beer (or more) when the going gets tough.

Yet another person's blood pressure could rise during tense times and he or she attempts to tell everyone else what to do.

It's up to each one of us to decide which patterns that we repeat over and over again are helping us to create the kind of lives that we want for ourselves...and which ones do not.

This is the key.

There are probably many useful and beneficial habits that you've developed over the years that did and still do support you on the way to realizing your aspirations.

And, there are probably many other habits that are taking you in the completely opposite direction.

Take back your power from the past.
Sandi feels powerless to stop the cycle of bad relationships. No matter how hard she tries to assess whether or not a new man in her life is different from all the rest, she always seems to be proven the fool.

When you feel powerless and destined to fall back into those limiting cycles, you cannot break free from your past.

One way to take back your power is to clearly identify the habit that you keep repeating and want to change. Acknowledge it, just like a mechanic might point out that an engine belt in your car is loose or worn.

There is no need to drag yourself down with blame or judgment.

In fact, I don't recommend that you spend too much time here.

A car mechanic doesn't notice that a belt is loose and then stand there staring at the engine while he or she rails on about how horrible it is that this has happened.

Instead, the mechanic recognizes something that is undesirable and takes steps to fix it.

Just like the car mechanic, I encourage you to take an honest look at the behaviors that you tend to repeat and then come up with some changes that you are willing to make.

When Sandi does this, she is surprised to notice that her painful track record with “bad men” has less to do with the men and more to do with her own self-esteem.

She discovers that, for her, the repeated pattern is not creating clear agreements with the men she dates. Sandi realizes that in all of her past relationships, she's remained silent about her expectations and boundaries.

The new habit that Sandi plans to develop is speaking honestly about what she wants. She intends to take a break from dating for awhile and to practice this new habit with her friends, co-workers and family members.

Remember that you create the rules.
Be aware that you might come up against internal resistance to this new behavior pattern that you're trying to instill in yourself.

We all have amassed a set of rules by which we make our life choices. Some of these rules have been taught to us by influential adults around whom we grew up. Other rules we garnered from the culture and sub-cultures in which we live.

A rule for you might be that you use food or alcohol to cope with tension. One of Sandi's rules is to keep quiet about what she truly wants in her relationship and, instead, just take what she gets from her partner.

When you find yourself resisting the new habit, remember that a part of you is upset that you are breaking a rule.

As you recognize that you are resistant to this change, remind yourself that YOU get to create your own rules about how you will direct your life and respond to experiences.

This is another way to take back your power.

If YOU get to create the rules, YOU also get to break them and make new ones that are a better fit for what you want.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Amy Phillips-Gary is a freelance writer, a personal growth coach and a life adventurer.