Women's Issues Articles
 

Are You a Martyr Mama?
How to Get the Respect and Appreciation You Crave
By Amy Phillips-Gary

We mothers work hard. At just about every economic level
and in almost all walks of life, mothers all over the world
are there for their families-often to a fault. Sometimes
our actions feel superhuman. Other times they are just
plain dreary and toilsome. Most of the time, the many-
faceted ways that we moms support and care for our families
appears to us to go unnoticed and is under appreciated.

Yet we go on. Because we have to. We are mothers after
all.

My husband's back has gone out- again. The dog needs to
be walked,the kids fed, dishes washed, and the projects
that I've planned for the weekend will now not happen
because I will be doing it all-again. Even when things are
going well and my partner is more fully sharing the tasks
of parenting and home care with me, there's still a voice
within that yearns for more respect and compensation for
ALL that I do.

Don't get me wrong. I live with a fabulously supportive
man and my kids even pitch in when asked (and sometimes
even when not asked). In fact, the majority of the time I
feel so grateful for the family and life I have. I can't
imagine raising kids alone and truly honor those women--
and men-- who do.

But still I return to my martyr mama thoughts and beliefs
as I nurture, cook, clean and pick up and do it all over
again...and again....

I hear the thoughts I don't really want to admit also
voiced by my friends. They say they feel like the "rock"
of their families, nothing would get done without them.
They feel vital and essential to their families but don't
feel like they are treated commensurately. It's as if we
moms posit ourselves as the linchpins of our families--
without us the wheel would not turn-- but we also perceive
ourselves as viewed as small and insignificant.

It's a martyr complex that crops up for me from time to
time-- and that I also notice in other mothers. We love
our kids and partners and want to be the ones they all can
depend on. But, at the same time, me-- and those like me--
feel like our labors and efforts are not valued as
important as they are. We trudge along bearing the family
on our backs because that's what moms do. If we didn't do
it-it wouldn't get done. Or so the belief goes.

It's a selflessness but not without serious strings. How
many of us can remember our own moms bestowing guilt? It's
a strong motivator that harms even as it may spurn someone
to action. Now, as a mom myself, I understand the darker
underside of so-called "selflessness" and martyrdom which
is resentment and even anger. As I grit my teeth and mop
around the toilet or scoop the cat's litter box when I'd
rather be curled up with a good book, I feel like the only
one who can (or will) do this for my family. Is this
really true or is this merely a story I tell myself?

I'm aware that when I launch into the "martyr mama" me, I
am not helping anyone. I end up feeling bad and,
undoubtedly, my kids and partner feel bad too. This is no
valiant Joan of Arc of the moms going on here. So why do I-
- and other martyr mamas like me-- keep doing it?

One possible reason why is because this is what we've
learned from our own moms and how we've been constructed as
mothers in our culture. We love our families and want to
do what's best for them. We want them to thrive by any
means necessary which sometimes means we sacrifice
ourselves-- or feel like we have to.

But I have come to realize that I also benefit in some
weird and backward way by being a martyr mama. There is a
certain righteousness and even uber-honor to how much
hardship and discomfort I've undertaken on behalf of my
family. It's as if the me devoted to selflessness thinks
there will one day be awards given out for the one who
sacrificed herself the most: soothed the most tears,
cleaned up the most messes and disregarded her own needs
the most.

It's time to put my martyr mama to rest. Her ways and
beliefs don't get me what I want which is to be respected,
appreciated and connected with myself and my family-- to be
happy and fulfilled! I want to feel uplifted and
celebratory about my life choices-- not weighed down or
obligated by them.

If you're ready to lay down your martyr mama as well, try
these suggestions...

Be clear and ask for what you want.
Ok, this sounds so simple in theory and not so easy in
practice. Try it anyway. Tune in to what you want and make
requests of your family accordingly. Don't worry about
putting someone else out, that he or she won't be able or
willing to do what you want or that you shouldn't be
bothering them when this is your responsibility. Allow
others to set their own boundaries and say no if they can't
meet your request. But you literally won't know unless you
ask.

Freely make your choices.
This is all about choice. Whether it's parenting, home
care, finances or another area of your life, always remind
yourself that you are choosing what you are spending your
energy on. When you acknowledge that you are not a victim
of your circumstances but are a free agent, it can make all
the difference.

I can remember that I like the fresh air and exercise--
and a calmer dog-- as I walk the dog while my husband rests
and heals his back. I can also know that it is an option
for me not to give the dog her evening walk. The world will
not fall in if it doesn't happen. Freely choosing to walk
the dog from this more open place allows me to feel
empowered and I can actually enjoy the moment rather than
simmering in resentment or frustration over a situation
that I cannot control.

Allow for expansion.
Follow your heart at all times. A cornerstone of martyr
mama-dom for me has been that it's more important to be
there for my family than it is listen to what I really want
to do. I've set up a sort of false dichotomy within myself
that says that family must come first, my desires are
secondary, if noticed at all. Of course, there is much
that makes my heart sing when spending time with my partner
and sons. So many beautiful and fulfilling moments have
been enjoyed with my family and more are still to come.

At the same time, I can allow for expansion within myself.
I can explore what other pursuits excite and invigorate me
letting go of worries that this will somehow stand in the
way of me being a "good" mom and partner. In fact, this
expansion that is seemingly just for me can benefit my
family. I am meeting more of my needs as a human being
which is a powerful teaching for my children and, by
default, I bring those riches of nurturing my own spirit
back to the family.

And so it comes around. To be selfless, then, is actually
to be selfish enough to make clear requests so that my
needs are met and I can expand and grow as I wish to. Then
when I give to my family-- and myself-- it can be fully and
deeply from my heart.
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Amy Phillips-Gary is a free-lance writer, homeschool mom and personal growth adventurer.

 

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Susie and Otto Collins are Relationship Coaches and authors of 4 books on relationships and personal growth. To get their FREE weekly newsletter filled with practical tips and ideas for creating more connected, passionate and alive relationships send a blank message to mailto:collins@aweber.com 
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